Grandpa loves Damian
Shiela Buckingham
Don Schmitz & Grandkidsandme

The following story is an unfinished story. We will need to see what happens over time. Grandparenting isn't always easy, as this story will attest, but neither is life. Perhaps, we will appreciate our own grandchildren more and get actively involved in changing our laws for visitation.

There was once a man who lived an everyday ordinary life.
He got up, went to work each day building tall buildings in the city and came home each night to his family. Pa Pa was the kind of guy that always had a joke for the check out clerk or a story to share with a retired teacher in the grocery store. People would say he could make you smile even when you thought you were having a bad day.

One day after work this same man got the news that he was going to be a grandpa. He didn't take the time to judge his unmarried son or his girlfriend. He just said, "Hey this is a life not a death, we'll help you kids and this is kind of exciting."

As others judged and suggested abortion Grandpa hung in there and assured the kids we would always be there for them. Time passed and Grandpa teased Mom as her tummy grew and looked forward to a new member of our family. True to his words, as the kids needed work done on their car or a dollar here or there, he would do what he could to help.

Pa Pa gets a call at work
The day had arrived but things weren't going well, so he needed to be at the hospital. Several hours later and a lot of worry for Mom, Grandpa had a beautiful baby grandson. I had forgotten the look I witnessed on his face only three times before--when each of our own children were born.

Days later, a routine settled into our house. The kids and baby Damian stayed in town with Nanny during the week, and on weekends, they would stay with us. Grandpa would hold Damian for hours telling him in detail what they would do together as he got bigger.

The kids get a place of their own
Damian even had his own bedroom. Grandpa didn't mind too much because most weekends Damian stayed with us so Mom and Dad could work or have time to them. Grandpa would read every book Damian had, even when Damian was too little to look at the pictures. It seemed that overnight Damian would want "Pa Pa" to do this or that. Grandpa always made time for his "little buddy".

Then Damian's Mom and Dad split up and agreed to share Damian as much as possible. It took some changing at our house. I changed my work schedule and "Pa Pa" still true to his words worked on Mom's car when she needed and encouraged her to let us know if she needed anything.

We were getting to share our grandson and had a good relationship with his Mom and Dad. He just glowed when Damian was at our house. We would often talk about our future with Damian and looked forward to Little League games and Christmas Programs.

Damian and "Pa Pa" grew closer everyday
On Thursday evenings Grandpa could hardly wait to get home to see his "little buddy" and always brought home snacks so Damian would be set for the weekend. I can remember when Damian couldn't sleep; Grandpa would sit beside his bed and talk softly to him until he would give in to sleep. On Saturday mornings, things would start out great. Damian would come in our bedroom and say quietly "Pa Pa-Pa Pa" then louder and louder until Pa Pa would wake up. They would wrestle in our bed until finally Pa Pa would get up.

During the day, Damian would have Grandpa watching Barney over and over and over but Grandpa never minded. I remember one day very clearly, I came home and they were both asleep in the chair. I never did figure out who went to sleep first.

Another change
Our son had to work part of the weekend so Damian's Mom decided he didn't really need to be with us. We thought we still had a good relationship with Mom so we talked with her. Mom said she was worried we would try to take Damian from her. Grandpa and I assured her we thought she was a great Mom to Damian and we just wanted to share his life. She decided Damian could stay with us every other weekend.

Again grandpa had to change
Damian's Mom had met a man and this is when Damian became confused. He would tell Pa Pa that his new boyfriend was his Dad now and that his last name was not Buckingham. Grandpa would try to explain to Damian that he would always be Damian Buckingham and we loved him.

More often Damian could not go his Dad's on Sundays and Dad decided to get scheduled visitation through the court. We thought if Dad would let us see Damian during the time he had him we would be missing him but we would still be a part of his life.

We are no longer allowed to see our grandson
We are no longer allowed to call him. We are no longer allowed to write to him.

Our son made the decision that it would be best for Damian if he let his future step-father adopt him. The courts tell us that terminates all of our rights. This has not terminated our love for Damian but it has broken our hearts.

The Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays that Grandpa looked forward to were replaced with a meeting we attended the third Monday of every month for grandparents who suffer the same loss and the same pain we share.

I share this story in hope that someday, our society will recognize the vital support that grandparents play in the family. How many grandparents are there with broken hearts and no hope? What would you do if this happened to you? How would you feel if this were your grandchild?

Shiela Buckingham, grandmother

Don Schmitz is a popular speaker and writer on parenting and grandparenting. He is the author of The New Face of Grandparenting…Why Parents Need Their Own Parents and founder of The Grandkidsandme Foundation and Grandparent Camps. Don holds graduate degrees in Education, Administration and Human Development. He is the father to three sons and nine grandchildren. Contact Don@grandkidsandme.com