Happy birthday to me!
Don Schmitz & Grandkidsandme

I wrote this story after learning about the difficulty of assimilating adopted children in our families. Approximately, three percent of our children are adopted. I hope this story can inspire many of us to be more understanding of the special needs of adopted children everywhere.

Mark woke up one morning with his brother singing this song, “Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday to Daniel, Happy Birthday to Me!”  

Mark heard Daniel sing to himself each year and he was sick and tired of it.  Mark, lying on his bed right next to Daniel, was filled with anger. He proceeded to yell at his brother to be quiet, but Mark was too excited and didn’t stop. Suddenly, Mark got out of bed and began throwing toys all the room.  He didn't stop there he went over to Daniel’s bed and punched him so hard Mark began to cry.

His father, hearing the commotion, came running up the steps to see what was going on. He saw the mess and soon heard what Mark had done.  Father went to Mark's bed to see why he was so angry. Mark told his father, “I don’t even know when I was born!” His father heard what he was saying and immediately understood. 

Mark was an adopted Korean boy who lived with a wonderful family, but that didn’t stop the fact that he didn’t even know when he was born! 

Mark represents many adopted children today who, as they grow up, begin asking difficult questions about their own family origin. The following are just some of the questions repeatedly asked by adopted children everywhere:  

• When is my birthday?
• Did I have a “real” mother and father?
• Why didn’t my mother keep me and raise me like all other children?
• Where are my parents today?
• Do my parents love me?
• Will I ever meet them?

Mark’s father assured him that he did have a birthday and they would celebrate it. His father told Mark that although there was some confusion about the real date of his birthday, he did indeed have a birthday and they would celebrate his birthday just like they did with his brother Daniel.

Conclusion
When questions like this come up, answers are desperately needed. Fortunately, Mark had a father who provided a wonderful response when the question was asked. But how long had Mark been thinking about this before it finally surfaced?

According to many experts, the timing for big questions of this type will vary between children. A general rule is to provide the information sooner rather than later. Just like questions about maturity and sex, the proper responses must come gradually and be repeated many times as our minds grow and allow us to comprehend their full meaning.

As parents, we will be the first persons to provide the answers. Grandparents can also be a big help during this time. It is important to answer the questions simply and accurately and provide as much information as we believe the child can manage. Proper responses will be needed many times over the years. It is also important for grandparents to communicate conversations such as this to the parents.

Today, Mark is a very successful young man, who like all of us, still has questions about his future. But, also like all of us, he celebrates his birthday every year. And he even occasionally sings Happy Birthday to himself!

Don Schmitz is a popular speaker and writer on parenting and grandparenting. He is the author of The New Face of Grandparenting…Why Parents Need Their Own Parents and founder of The Grandkidsandme Foundation and Grandparent Camps. Don holds graduate degrees in Education, Administration and Human Development. He is the father to three sons and nine grandchildren. Contact Don@grandkidsandme.com