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Abstract
The old models of grandparenting no longer work with the “boomer” generation.
Grandparents today have an opportunity to build a new model that mirrors their changing lifestyle and the needs of their children and grandchildren. This process involves continued growth through education. Grandparent training is one-way
grandparents can continue to have value in our family and society.
In this paper seven elements of grandparenting are addressed: 1) Introduction to Grandparenting 2) The Changing Role of Grandparents, 3) The Need for Grandparents,4)
Technology, the New Tool, 5) Grandparenting and Schools, 6) Spirituality and Growth and 7) Summary and Conclusions.
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Position Statement
Grandparents have the opportunity and responsibility to pass on their heritage and legacy to their grandchildren. Over the past one hundred years many grandparents have abdicated their responsibilities to future generations and found their lives of little value in their elder years. I believe it’s time for grandparents to get back what they gave up at the advent of the industrial world. The major premise is that role models experienced in the past no longer fit with the baby boom, (“boomer” generation). The need is to create new models of grandparenting for the children of tomorrow.
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Ethics Statement
Grandparents have a natural position in the family to provide unconditional love, care and gentleness to their grandchildren. Today, many grandparents have an outdated perception of their job description. Grandparents need to have value and grandchildren need to be loved. The needs of one can naturally meet the needs of the other.
“Boomers” have a history of creating their own path. Why should that be any different as they learn their role as grandparents? Grandparents traditionally have had the responsibility to be the gatekeepers of family history. Because of advances in genealogical information and technology, today’s grandparents can lead the way in researching and finding information on ancestors never before discovered. This information can be accessed and stored in family web pages that will not only record the story of our forefathers but present the family with an ongoing “newspaper” of family events through pictures, videos and written information.
For the first time, grandparents will have the opportunity to be grandparents to adult as well as young children. As life expectancy increases and people are healthier and live longer, children will not only turn to grandparents during their youth, but more and more in their adulthood as well. The role of the great grandparent will expand greatly in the next one hundred years. A new frontier for grandparenting will add greater value for grandparents in their later lives.
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“Grandparent, Grandparent, sing a song to
me”
Song by Don Schmitz
First Verse
We’d dream of frogs and kings and things
How life would be for me
He’d sing of all the greatest things that I would surely be
And I would lay right down to sleep when Grandpa sang to me
I felt warm and close to life when Grandpa was with me
Chorus
Oh, Grandparent, Grandparent, sing a song to me
Sing a simple lullaby, a lullaby to me
He’s sing me simple stories of my mom and dad and friends
And I would lay right down to sleep when Grandpa sang to me
Second Verse
We’d talk about the old times like when Grandpa was a kid
Of Dad’s pet rabbit and Mom’s guinea pig
And how things used to be
He’d tell us simple stores of mom and dad and friends
And I felt warm and close to life when Grandpa was with me
Third Verse
When I was almost twenty-four he still was there for me
The day I married my best friend
Just like it was to be
He smiled and wished me well and kissed me with a hug
But as he turned away I saw a tear roll down his cheek
Last Verse
And now that I am sixty-four, I remember his wise words
I sing this little lullaby
To my grandkids now too
And they like me feel warm and close to all the things of life
So now I’m the one who sings the words that Grandpa Sang to me
Chorus repeated….
Chorus
Oh, Grandparent, Grandparent sing a song to me
Sing a simple lullaby, a lullaby to me
He’d sing me simple stories of my mom and dad and friends
And I would lay right down to sleep when Grandpa sang to me.
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Grandparent Jokes
“Charlie is our 18-month old grandson. He’s learning all the sounds that the animals make; we are helping. Charlie, “What does a
cow say’. We ask. ‘Moo”, he answers. Charlie, “What does a horse
say’? “Neigh, Neigh.” Then to satisfy our grandparent curiosity, we introduced a very special question: “Charlie, what does your mommy say’? Charlie hesitates for just a few seconds, then shouts, “Mommy says, “No, No, No!” (Wendell p.2)
“A grandmother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: ‘We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked raspberries in the woods’. The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!’”
(Kornhaber Web site)
“My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, ‘Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?’ I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, How are we alike?’ ‘You’re both old,’ he replied.” (Kornhaber Web site)
“My grandson spends summers in California with me. I had gained quite a bit of weight after taking some medication since he had last seen me. One day, he was complaining because he hadn’t had much exercise and had eaten a lot of ice cream. He said, ‘ Oh, Grammy, my stomach hurt and it’s so big, I’m gonna be like you!’ Then, in his best sincere Jerry Seinfeld-like moment, he said, ‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that!’ (Kornhaber Web site)
This summer, I will have the wonderful opportunity of traveling to see my son and his family in Sweden. After spending a week visiting with the entire family I will travel with my six-year-old granddaughter, Hanna, to a special grandparent camp in upstate New York. Hanna and I will fly to New York, rent a car, drive to northern New York and attend the camp for six days. We will then fly back to Minnesota, where Hanna’s father will meet us. My son, Jeff , and Hanna will spend a week visiting in Minnesota before flying back home. This entire experience will be accomplished in three weeks.
What an exciting opportunity grandparents have today and what a great example of how grandparenting is changing!
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Introduction to Grandparenting
Since the beginning of the industrial revolution, our society has depended less and less on the benefits grandparents provide. In this paper, I will present some of the reasons for this change and also suggest ways that grandparents in the future might be better equipped for the important role of being a grandparent. Grandparents of the future have an opportunity to provide increased value to their children and their grandchildren. This paper looks at the role of grandparenting and offers suggestions for significant and vital responsibilities grandparents can serve in the raising of grandchildren today. It is my strong belief that all grandparents but especially boomer grandparents will benefit from this study.
According to one writer on grandparenting, Szinovacz (1998) “The grandparent bond has been found to have significant positive effects on contract and closeness between grandparents” (p. 56). Grandparents who get more involved in the grandchildren’s lives see an increase in their own enthusiasm about life. They see themselves in a new light and better understand their own stages of existence. It becomes infectious. A recent writer on grandparenting, Kandel stated (1995) “The grandparents shared the strongest emotional bond and influence in the family” (p.14)
Grandparents can assist their grandchildren in many of the same ways that parents can assist their children. The grandparent can be a door back in time to providing valuable hindsight that can become wisdom for the future. They can transmit lessons that can be learned from no one else. These lessons often can have lifelong consequences by giving children a legacy, values, work ethic and spiritual guidance that can only come with love. Grandparents serve as responsible guardians for their children’s children. This sutdy focuses on the more traditional roles of grandparents supporting parents.
The boomer generation will dramatically increase the number of grandparents and at the same time witness a severe shortage of quality caregivers for raising our future generation. Herein lies a wonderful opportunity for grandparents. Our elderly population will be wealthier, live longer lives, and become better educated than any generation before. A decline in the population rate will also provide fewer grandchildren and more grandparents. For some, our children and grandchildren will become the beneficiaries of the vast wealth of the boomer parents. For others it might mean caring for our grandparents in our homes or assisting them financially. It might also mean that our grandparents could be caring for us! These statements support the probability that major changes will continue to affect the role of the grandparent.
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The Changing Role of Grandparents
Significant research supports the fact that over the past one hundred years, the role grandparents have played in their families has declined. In most societies, the traditional role of grandparents was to be the keepers of history and the storytellers of the past. Dr. Kornhaber, (1996) the guru of grandparenting, has this to say about the traditional roles of grandparenting, “Across time and cultures, grandparents have served their children and grandchildren in a variety of ways: living ancestors, family historians, mentors, nurturers, and role models for aging” (p. 20). Grandparents lived within a few miles of their children. Grandparents were present during family crises: births, illness and death. It was expected they would attend as many family events as possible.
Grandparents serve a number of functions, which are in the best interests of the child. Blau (1984) listed the following functions: They are usually the initial people sought out in a time of family crisis. They instill a sense of family and communicate both social and moral values. Grandparents give grandchildren their undivided attention and participate in leisure and fun. Children with strong links to grandparents are less likely to develop psychological problems during times of family disruption (pp.46-47). Kivnick (1982) had one more very important reason for grandparents: People who were well bonded with their grandparents when they were children are more competent in grandparenting” (p.22).
A number of factors contribute to the changing role of grandparents. Today’s grandparents are healthier, wealthier, better educated, live longer and are more mobile than ever before. The number of grandparents is also growing rapidly. At the same time, our society is also changing. We have a steady increase in teenage childbearing, single parenting, divorces, adoptions and second and third marriages for not just the parents but grandparents as well. According to the American Association of Retired People (AARP) (2000) “Thirty-one percent of adults—or about sixty million Americans—are grandparents” (p. 2). This represents approximately one seventh of the United States population.
In contrast to today, grandparents one hundred years ago lived much shorter lives. They typically lived within walking distance of their grandchildren. Because of their shorter and less healthy lives, many grandparents only knew their grandchildren as children and often died before they had the opportunity to have an impact on their lives as adults. Many grandparents also lived within the same household as their children and grandchildren. Because of their living conditions, they were often depended on to care for the grandchildren when the parent needed to run an errand or work outside the home.
Today we have more single-parent families that travel long distances to work each day and leave their children for longer periods of time. At the same time, these young famili9es believe they need more modern conveniences to live. This lifestyle provides a larger opportunity for grandparents to be involved with their grandchildren. AN ever-growing problem of today’s grandparent is the distance they need to travel to be of help.
In today’s society, we have smaller numbers of family members with fewer intergenerational families. The family size has decreased roughly by half since 1957 in the United States. With fewer grandchildren, the opportunity increases for more individual attention from grandparents. As grandparents are more healthy and live longer lives, they are in a position ot help their children and grandchildren more than ever before.
An additional factor affecting the changing role of grandparents is the increase in grandparents’ financial resources. Many grandparents today have compiled more wealth than they ever dreamed of. Many grandparents who consider themselves retired work part time. Due to the strong performance of the economy in the nineteen eighties and nineties, the money grandparents were counting on for retirement has grown exponentially, more than ever anticipated.
The combination of a rapidly growing population of grandparents and additional wealth provides them with increasing political clout. Issues like lofty inheritance taxes might finally be addressed in Congress. Colleges are seeing individual and corporate gifts for higher education swell much beyond anticipation. Our children and our grandchildren will benefit from this increase in wealth as well, providing for larger inheritances or gifts for their continued education.
While individual wealth has been accumulating for most Americans, institutions and communities have seen a reduction in services to the general population. An expert in grandparenting, Ciardi states (1995) “Support systems taken for granted only a generation ago—school, church, community and extended family—are no longer as readily available to help parents raise their children.” (p. 4).
Many boomers never knew their grandparents. Other boomers who did know their grandparents find conditions so different today that they can no longer use their grandparents as role models. This is a major change in society from previous generations.
My maternal grandmother had forty-eight grandchildren and a husband who was ill most of his life. I saw them only on major holidays. My paternal grandparents both died before I was born. My parents had twenty-three grandchildren, and since I have only three children, there is a strong possibility that I will have no more than nine grandchildren. My three granddaughters live in Sweden, thousands of miles away. My grandmother lived less than a mile away from where I was born and raised.
We live in a mobile world, a world that is getting smaller, and our children are not the only ones moving. Many elderly from the northern states make annual pilgrimages to the south to escape the cold, leaving behind their children and grandchildren. Many grandparents never come home for the holidays or birthdays. This is a big change from the expected responsibilities of earlier grandparents.
At the same time that young dual-income families are working more and more hours, child care is getting more expensive and less available than ever before. According to Ford (1997) “Seventy percent of moms work outside of the home because of financial necessity; only ten percent of mothers stay home full time” (p. 26). Who is left to stay home with the children? Grandparents are part of the answer. They are not babysitters, but that is one of the roles they can sometimes provide.
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The Need for Grandparents
The need is greater than ever for grandparents to be involved in raising of the next generation. In the 1990’s, increasing research supports the fact that grandparents are becoming more involved in the raising of their grandchildren. According to Ciardi (1995) “In the 90’s we are witnessing a resurgence of interest in grandparenting and most especially, in the unique power inherent to the grandparent-grandchild relationship. This renaissance in the value and potential of grandparenting is occuring across the land” (p. 4).
A new study in 2000 by AARP (American Association of Retired People) stated, “In spite of a mobile society and busy lives…most grandparents regularly interact with their grandchildren” (p.1).
Many grandparents recognize the unique dilemma their family is faced with and do whatever they can to help. Kandel stated (1995) “The grandparents shared the strongest emotional bond and influence in the family” (p. 14).
Having already raised their own families, grandparents have experienced firsthand the effort that is necessary to raise children. As a result, many grandparents are afraid they will be placed in the same role again. They’ve become extremely busy in their own world and see grandchildren as an imposition in their lives. However, the role of the grandparent can be tailored to fit the elderly’s busy lives.
Our longer life expectancy already provides us with more years than we ever expected. The role of the grandparent is not to replace the parent but to assist the parent. If we remember this, the fear is reduced. Children are very flexible and if asked would love to help with simple things around the house. Start with the small things and go from there. For example, if we need to go to the store, we could ask our grandchildren if they would like to come along. If we are organizing the shop, we could involve them in the project. While we are doing our work, we are also assisting our children in raising the world’s most valuable resource, the next generation of children. All we need to do is share our talents and take the time to listen.
What will grandparents receive in return? For those who want to leave a legacy, they will learn that their lives were not in vain. Grandparents who provide a legacy of experiences will have the satisfaction of knowing that their lives have made a difference and that they can have a significant effect on future generations. Carson (1996) eloquently stated it this way, “(Involvement with our grandchildren provides fulfillment as we encounter aspects of ourselves, our parents and our partners in the next generation.” (p. 29).
Being a grandparent has other hidden rewards. Age is supposed to provide some wisdom, and this wisdom is learned through our life experiences. Carson (1996) wrote, “As grandparents, we have the advantage of looking back and remembering what it was like for us as we traveled through life’s stages, the stages our children and grandchildren are in now. The hindsight we enjoy is called wisdom” (p. 72).
Like alcoholism, poor grandparenting can affect countless generations. Some people can only stop drinking when they are able to see the effect it has on their family. Good and bad grandparenting will also have an effect on many generations to come. Examples of healthy eldering are desperately needed in our society.
With our children and now with our grandchildren we have a second chance to learn from our experiences. In my graduate paper (1999, Contract #3) titled, “Grandparenthood, Heritage and Legacy”, I stated, “Wouldn’t it be nice if our grandchildren could somehow learn from our bumps and not have to experience them directly? Why can’t our grandchildren be taught to avoid many of the difficulties we experienced?” (pp. 4-5).
As the world of DOT COM forces us to move faster and faster the need for support becomes greater and greater. Stability is the “stuff” that lets us hold onto our dreams. Confidence comes when we believe in ourselves and others support our dreams. Grandparents can help us believe in ourselves. Waggoner (2000) stated, “The most common role we want to play in the life of a grandchild is that of companion or friend. We’re also advisers, family historians, storytellers, tattletales (“When your daddy was your age, I once caught him…”) and confidants. But mainly we want to be good pals.” (p.91).
Szinovacs (1998) described the value of grandparents in this way, “In most families, the real value of grandparents can be felt simply by their presence, not their action. Grandparents serve as a stabilizing force and act as a resource for their children and grandchildren.” (p. 148).
The well-known author Ford (1997) eloquently describes grandparenting in these words: “Grandparenting is a gift between two people at opposite ends of the journey” (p. V).
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Technology, the New Tool
As I have already discussed, the old models of grandparenting often don’t work in today’s global world. Today’s grandparents will need to build a new model that fits our moving, changing society. Gerber supports this with the following statement (1989), “When the experience of one generation differs greatly from that of the preceding generation…succeeding generations must modify institutions and values to deal with the world as they find it” (p. 7). We will need to create the new model as we go. The key to creating this new model lies in improved methods and opportunities for communication.
Most grandparents aren’t just a mile down the road, and most can’t just hop in the car and run over and see their grandchildren whenever they’d like to. There is a need to discover new ways of creating a meaningful impact on our grandchildren’s lives. One strategy is taking advantage of improved technology.
For many long-distance grandparents, improved technology can assist and support the communication between them and their grandchildren. With improved digital phones and lower long-distance costs, weekly instead if monthly phone conversations are becoming commonplace. AARP (2000) in it’s recent survey stated, “Eighty-five percent of grandparents have talked to a grandchild on the phone in the past month” (p.1).
New connections to the Internet such as DSL provide improved speed of communication. This speed enables the user to engage this new technology not only for instant communication but also for pictures and videos. I predict that in the near future most families will have family Web sites. These sites will share all of the family’s communication including letters, audio and video as well. Our Family photos will be accessible on this web site for all generations to see and enjoy. These family web sites will be used as storehouses of family information about each member of the family. One hundred years from now, our great-great-grandchildren will access this information to get to know who we were, what we looked like, what we liked to eat and how much we loved our grandchildren. They will write reports about us using information from the family web site. All the information we’ll ever want abut our families will be right there in our very own Web site like a time capsule for the future.
Our grandchildren will record their lives in a similar manner. The Web site will become the storage of family history. The family tree will be one part of this Web site, giving it a historical perspective. The increased use of family Web sites will allow families to record now only facts such as genealogy and biographies, but also every day communications. We can record last nights’ gymnastics meet and have it instantly available for viewing to other family members wherever they may be. These events can be recorded forever in our own permanent record of our family’s lives. Once a marriage occurs, the information of one family can be networked in to the family of another.
In Kandel’s dissertation (1995) he had this to say about the role technology will play in the future of grandparenting:
There is a potential for the generations to share different aspects of their lives in new ways. And with multiple generations alive during the grandchild’s life as a child and adult, he/she will have access to one hundred years or more of personal stories, told from multiple points of view. The gap can be bridged for grandparents to learn about the future and grandchildren to discover the past. (p. 43)
Other technology can help us as well. Organizers such as Palm Pilots can provide access to phone numbers and addresses to call or send postcards while we are on vacations. E-mail will be accessible via our Palm Pilot by connecting to a cellular phone. Our cellular phones or our Palm Pilots will be able to find us anywhere in the world with one phone number, and the cost will decrease as volume increases.
Because of improved economic circumstances and inheritance, many families will travel on a more regular basis, even to remote areas of the world. One of the most rapidly growing programs for Elderhostel is it’s intergenerational travel plan. These plans are designed to meet the needs of both the young and old. Web sites are springing up everywhere on the Internet with special travel programs for intergenerational travel. Elderhostel alone has over a hundred programs specifically for grandparents and grandchildren. (2000, pp. 185-195)
Since we will live longer and healthier lives, we will have more time to spend with our grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Healthier and stronger grandparents will participate in bungee-jumping, parasailing, mountain climbing, tennis, grandparent camps and other events that were previously only reserved for a much younger population. Today, grandparents are participating in marathons and iron man competitions in larger numbers than ever before. This increasing health not only allows grandparents to participate in more strenuous activities but to do these activities at various stages of their grandchildren’s development. These examples of grandparent activities, though somewhat apart from the normal, are good indicators of boomer grandparents.
How exciting this will be for the grandchildren! Grandchildren will have their grandparents while they are in their twenties, thirties and beyond. Judy Ford states (1997) “Your kids have taken the very best of you, improved on it and are passing that on to your grandchildren. It’s an evolution of humankind right in front of your eyes.” (p.26).
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Grandparenting and Schools
Shenandoah, a famous Iroquois Indian, stated, “Look further and see your son’s and daughter’s children and their children even unto the seventh generation. Think about it, you yourself are a seventh generation” (1990, p. 120 ). In the near future we will be seeing many multigenerational families. These families won’t necessarily be living under the same roof, but the wisdom of one generation will have a much greater effect on the next. The effect of four, five and maybe even six generations all living at the same time will create a vastly different family from today. Many of our future children will know their great-grandparents as adults.
How will we learn to operate in this new multigenerational aging society? Who will care for this growing aging population? Where will the answers be found?
I believe one answer could be found in lifelong learning through our schools and community programs. The vision for education needs to be drastically altered to reflect the aging population. Today, it is still unusual for adults to go to school, but that vision will be drastically altered in the next millenium. The success of programs such as the Human Development Program at St. Mary’s University, as well as Chautauqua and Esalen Institutes, will be copied throughout the country. The teaching of grandparenting skills will be but one of the programs in this lifelong education.
One example of an intergenerational program that I will be founding in the fall of 2000 is a new intergenerational business called Grandkidsandme.com. It is my vision to train grandparents on how to improve communication with their grandchildren. The program consists of grandparent groups that meet monthly. The grandparents listen and tell their stories about how they work with their grandchildren. There will be a standing agenda and the meetings will be help in my home.
Beginning in the summer of 2001, Grandkidsandme.com® will host weekend grandparent camps. The program will start by having grandparents sign up for a weekend camp that will be located near the cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul. The camp will provide an atmosphere where the grandparents will have an individual experience with their grandchildren while participating in outdoor activities such as swimming, fishing, canoeing, hiking and singing around the campfire., In addition to fun, this camp will provide an opportunity to gather firsthand information on grandparenting activities that can be used for future writing, speaking and research.
The Grandkidsandme.com® Camp will register grandchildren by the age of the grandchild. Groups will be organized in the following way: six-to nine-year-olds, nine-to twelve year-olds, teenagers and college students. Currently I am in the process of partnering with various colleges and universities to certify Grandkidsandme.com® Camp to provide college credit during their J-terms.
There are currently two other grandparent camps in the United States. One is located in Madison, Wisconsin, and is sponsored by the Wisconsin Gifted and Talented Program. This program is only open to students that are gifted and talented in the state of Wisconsin and is organized around the child not the grandparent. The other camp is located in upstate New York and is the creation of Arthur Kornhaber and his foundation. I paarticipated in the Madison program as a grandparent in January, and as previously mentioned, will be attending Dr. Kornhaber’s camp this summer with my granddaughter, Hanna.
Local communities can also be counted on to provide resources for improving grandparent communication. Churches and community schools will need to change dramatically to help provide new programs for the growing elderly populations. Currently I have formed a monthly grandparent group through my parish, St. Luke’s Church in St. Paul. The purpose of the group is to improve communication between grandparents and grandchildren and to encourage a higher level of participation or involvement of grandparents with their
grandchildren
Irene Endicott (1997) offered some suggestions on forming a grandparent group:
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Locate a space for the meetings to take place.
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Keep the meetings simple and pass around a sign-up sheet the first night.
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You may from time to time invite “experts” as determined by the group, such as social workers, judges and financial experts.
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The group itself may decide to become a nonprofit organization.
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Be sure to register the group with AARP for national exposure. (p.220-221)
I interviewed Becky Conway as part of my research for this study. Conway is the Director of Presbyterian Homes in St. Paul. She had this to say about educating the elderly (2000): “Our eldering population needs more mental stimulation. A program such as this could be very advantageous to the many grandparents at Presbyterian Homes.”
Other community organizations also need to join the trend of continuous learning for grandparents and the elderly. The Director of Aging for Catholic Charities, Sharon Rebar, stated in an interview (1999), “A very small portion of the St. Paul Catholic Charities overall budget goes to train the healthy aging population. That would be a luxury.”
Examples of schools that we might emulate are Omega, Chautauqua and Esalen institutes. The teaching of grandparenting could be a nice addition to the curriculum of these schools. Each year, Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York, provides specialized training for continued learning. This summer, Omega will be host to over two hundred and fifty workshops, retreats, professional training and wellness vacations.
Chautauqua Institute, for one hundred and twenty-five years, has offered a smorgasbord of personal enrichment for all ages. The institute will host over 2000 events this season covering a wide variety of subjects including philosophy, dance theatre, opera, spirituality and visual arts. This nine-week summer program is an excellent example of a “community school” for all ages. It’s located near beautiful Lake Chautauqua and allows no motorized transportation. The large trees and picturesque environment, along with the Victorian homes, provide a “Disney-like” setting for learning.
In the summer of 1999 I had the opportunity of visiting Chautaqua. While interviewing students of all ages, I observed how active and vibrant the students were. A typical day might start with voice lessons, lectures on spirituality or a round table on business ethics. The day might conclude with a walk to a concert in the Neighborhood Park. There was a great deal of excitement everywhere, and it appeared to be contagious. The attitude was wonderful to be around. The grandchildren noticed the change in the adults’ attitudes as well and relished in all their attention.
Shalomi and Miller (1995) write in their well known book about eldering, “Once we have set up retirement training centers around the country, boomers and elders will seek them out in pursuit of spiritual renewal and holistic approach to aging”
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Schools such as these will become centers of knowledge for teaching grandparenting. Students of all ages will attend these schools and become “experts” in their field. They will carry this information back to their local communities and provide leadership an example to others. The school will also become the center for ongoing intergenerational research. Issues such as single-parent families and grandparents’ longer life expectancy will continue to alter the way families communicate. This research will provide information for future dissemination and study.
Grandparents have a valuable role to play in our society. The role of a grandparent is not only natural but also a highly needed example of eldering that needs fostering. We can’t expect to improve the role of grandparents without expending major efforts on research. Large allocations of resources are needed. I suggest that governments and foundations join together in finding these resources. The answers for future generations won’t come easily. It will take a concerted effort and involvement from the local community to make this a reality. Grandparents, as well as grandchildren, will benefit greatly if such retirement training centers are developed.
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Spirituality and Grandparenting
While conducting this study, I discovered one unexpected finding. Spirituality and grandparenting have a very common bond. While attempting to help out the grandchildren, grandparents end up helping themselves. Grandparents represent an important family resource for teaching children important life lessons. These lessons cannot be separated from their spiritual base. We are gently reminded of our own life when we pass these lessons on to our grandchildren.
When young people turn to grandparents, they are often looking for something more. Children often begin to look for other role models besides their parents around the age of six. It’s around this time that children begin to see that the world is more than mom and dad and me. They see the relationship that their parents have with their grandparents and they begin to emulate it but they also have a natural calling for bigger questions of life. Jones (1995) talks about the power that we have within, “The recovery of intimacy and spirituality both depend on the process of self discovery; breaking through these false selves and encountering the real self within.”
. I believe, and research confirms, that as we grow older, questions about life’s purpose will become stronger and stronger in our minds. By helping young people, we can find clarity about what is false and what is real. Young people have a way of cutting through the persona we wear and help us to find the real truth. By discovering truth, we will also discover our own spirituality. Shalomi states (1995) , “When we engage in life repair, therefore, we open old files, relive them, recontextualize them for deeper meaning and then re-file them in the “plus” files, free from their negative emotional valences”
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From time to time we all need to re-evaluate major decisions we have made in our lives and reinterpret their effect. An unexpected benefit of this is wisdom. Because of the unique relationship grandparents have with their grandchildren, the wisdom shared can have a large effect not only on the grandchild but future generations. This is the wisdom that our grandchildren seek from grandparents. By re-examining our lives, we place ourselves in a better position to help our children and our grandchildren. Our descendants need to see that eldering
is more than pain and pills. They need a positive example. As a healthy spiritual population, we can provide that positive example to our youth.
If we can learn to forgive and find peace in our hearts, our children and our grandchildren will be drawn to us. Jones states (1995) “We must develop a strong sense of self before we can give that self away, but it is in giving ourselves away that we find ourselves” (p.51). When we provide value to our grandchildren, they in turn will provide value for us in pure unconditional love.
One of the ways we can find this inner peace for ourselves is through meditation. Shalomi is 1995 talked about the need for focusing on our future self. While meditating, we can visualize our future self as being all that we want out of life. Another way is by studying our future self. We need to recognize the differences between our future self and our present-day self (p.129). Within these differences lie the impediments, or opportunities, that keep us from becoming all we want to be. Also9, herein lie our bumps and bruises of life. Meditating on our future self will allow these bumps and bruises to heal and bring spirituality and freedom into our life.
Ford simply states it this way, (1997) “When you are grateful, you will come to love yourself and all that you are. When you are grateful for where you’ve been and what you’ve done, you are at peace—with yourself and with your family. And that, my friend, is the perfect legacy, the very best gift you can give to the future generation” (p. 137).
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Summary and Conclusions
The following statements represent the major points of my study:
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More research is needed on teaching grandparenting skills.
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Our grandchildren will be naturally drawn to their grandparents if their grandparents can learn to forgive and find peace in their hearts.
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New schools must be created with specific programs that teach grandparenting skills.
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Today’s grandparents need to create a new model of grandparenting that is consistent with their active lives.
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There is an ever-growing need for grandparents to be assisting in the raising of their grandchildren.
- Grandparents can provide value for their grandchildren and in turn create value for themselves.
- If we can learn to forgive and find peace in our hearts, our children and our grandchildren will be drawn to us.
- Because of our unique relationship as grandparents we have an opportunity to share wisdom with future generations.
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Bibliography
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References
AARP (January 4, 2000). AARP Survey: Grandparents, grandchildren have strong bond, visit often. Retrieved January 8, 2000 from the World Wide Web.
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Author’s Note
In 1997 I was visiting with my Aunt Regina, who is ninety-seven years old. I started to ask questions about my late grandfather and other relatives when one thing led to another. Finally I asked her what written information she had to substantiate her stories. She went to her closet and got out an old envelope filled with scraps or paper. Over the years she had gathered birth announcements, nuptial agreements, anniversaries, obituary notices and pictures of the family. She stuffed all of this in a large envelope that had more information all over the outside. She suggested that someone from the family should take this information and record it for posterity in a computer. Regina was a very intelligent lady.
At her suggestion, I spent an endless amount of time developing our family tree over the past two years. It now has over eight hundred entries. For Christmas in 1999, Regina received a very special present, a copy of her family tree, complete with pictures. Needless to say, she was very excited. The author wishes to acknowledge the important contribution of Aunt Regina, who planted the seed about family heritage that led me to this study.
My thanks to Regina for sharing her legacy and wisdom with me. She indeed passed on more than an envelope to me that day, she passed on much of her life, a life that will long be remembered.
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